It's Been Awhile...

I have been a slacker on my blog. I suppose the entire reason in the beginning was to promote my crafts and then it became somewhat of a journal somewhere along the way... Remembering that October was not only Breast Cancer Awareness month, but also Domestic Abuse Awareness month as well, I thought I would allow my blog to be seen on my Facebook page again JUST in case there may be someone bored that may actually read my blog and find my store of abuse. Again, if I can help one person, or touch one heart, then I would have accomplished why I wrote my story to begin with :)

Much has happened since I wrote last. My husband underwent a gastric bypass surgery, Taylor graduated high school, Morgan started high school and Paige went from being a toddler to a precious little girl. OH!! AND we got a pool. It's not a beautiful inground surrounded by landscape with a waterfall and gorgeous hot tub next to it, but it's a pool. It's an above ground 24' round and I spent the last few weeks figuring out what was best placed around it. My conclusion was scalloped bricks and the area from them to the pool edge I filled with lava rocks.

Of course, the pool (Doughboy) installation seemed easy enough, since we decided to go with a professional pool company, however, the pool wall has slight indentions in it. Fortunately, the pool company gave us a choice of $300 credit or a new wall and we chose the new wall~~ hands down. We also had to get 3 trees taken down, one of which was a gorgeous white oak tree.

Well, my computer play time is now spent on Facebook playing Farm Town and Mafia Wars, and I need to make sure I have harvested all 6 fields (YES 6 FIELDS) and see if any of my mafia family members need help on a war or mission before going to bed shortly. Take care and I'll try to be a little better at updating my blog. Be blessed xox

Holdem!!

A little over a year ago, I joined Facebook. My husband followed and found a game called Texas Holdem that he had been playing on his cell phone. I started playing as well and could not believe that I was going to absolutely LOVE playing it as much as I do. I made a few very nice people and my poker buddy list grew each time I played, now having approximately 900 poker buddies. When I played more often, it was not uncommon for the room to be full and other poker buddies chatting from the "outside". We often said we needed bigger tables :)

A year later, I still love logging onto Texas Holdem and can sit for hours on end playing one game after the other. The thrill of waiting for the cards to flop has only increased with time. Many stories and feelings have been shared during our long evenings and nights at the poker tables and bonds have been made that will always be remembered and cherished.

In December of 2009, our County voted on table games. This was the second time we voted on them and we were thrilled that the they passed. After being laid off of my part time job, I really missed working and even more, I missed socializing. The thought of me becoming a dealer at the track was entertained and I started to seriously consider it. Who wouldn't want to play cards and get paid for it?? ;)

I went for an interview and immediately purchased clay chips to start practicing. A couple of weeks later, I had my background check, credit check and drug test completed. Of course I passed, and I started my Intro to Casino class on 2-1. Four hours for a class sounds like a long time, but the time goes by very quickly for us. While we are practicing, we sit around the table and share bits and pieces of our lives and we help each other out if we figure out ways to explain a technique in a different way that may click better for someone who is having difficulty.

Tomorrow is day 3 of the class, as we were snowed out today. Yesterday, we had to take turns sitting at the table in the dealer spot and we had to riffle, slide and cut our deck and then deal to poker chips (called checks in our casino) placed at each seat. The object was to hit each poker check. I made my way into the back of the others and eventually took my turn. I was 5th from last.

Our instructor told us that we must get used to people staring at us... tournaments, guests, bosses and there was no time like the present :) I sat down and saw nothing but the cards in my hand and the table around me. I spun off the hand of two cards and my instructor nodded in approval and I had to spin off two more cards to join the others. After I finished, he told the class that I was the best at that point and that I deserved a hand. I immediately felt my face turn red and I was bursting inside with such pride and happiness that I simply accomplished what I was asked to do and obviously that time, was better than anyone else.

Wish me luck!! Tomorrow is another day~~~

More Snow :)

Six inches of wet snow fell on us while we were sleeping last night. It's so nice to be home before the snow storms come and roads become slippery and dangerous. Forecast for this weekend is a minimum of one foot. I hope it starts after the girls are home from school and I am home from class... I love to watch the snow fall and even more so, stand outside and feel the silence around me. It is beautiful here, with the mountain views beyond the bare trees... The sunsets kissing the mountain tops with color that no camera could ever capture... I am blessed.

Playlist.com

I apologize I have neglected my blog for months and have not had time to update my Playlist. My music selection is a little outdated, but I hope you enjoy it regardless. I love music and no matter what is going on, turn up the volume to your favorite music and you are certain to be uplifted. If you have a blog and would like to create your own Playlist, you may do so at www.playlist.com.

I Closed My eBay Store...

Can you believe it? After 5 years of selling on eBay, I closed my store. It wasn't a difficult decision. I wanted a change and was simply soooo burned out on eBay and being chained to the computer all day that I got a "real" job. No more working in jammies and sipping coffee at my leisure... I got a job at a craft store called Ben Franklin. After two weeks of working there, the owner announced he was closing the store. It was fun while it lasted. Although there are always people that you work with who are intimidated, jealous or simply haters, it was nice to be out talking to the customers and assisting them in what they were looking for or needed at the moment.

Sprint Bill and Plans...

Just a reminder that if you have Sprint as your cell phone carrier, you most likely have free roaming charges. I have been billed for roaming charges over and over and have to call Sprint to have them removed. They advise me to put my phone on the Sprint only roaming option, but I remind them that I live in a rural area and many times we go into roam and that is a perk in our plan and I will NOT put my phone in Sprint only... *sigh*... So, check your Sprint bill and call and get the credit you deserve and was promised on your plan.

Facebook

Have you tried using Facebook? I have found it to be a perfect place to gather with old friends and meet many new ones. Facebook offers a way to connect and find friends from the past that have also signed up there. There are many games to play, where I have met so many nice people and have become facebook friends with them as well.

Do yourself a favor and take some time to sign up. It's easy and it's free. You will find joy in connecting with high school friends, college friends, friends that you have worked with in the past and past and present coworkers.

The Passing of a Friend...

A few months ago, she complained about her back hurting... then with a hug, she received a couple of broken ribs. From there, the pain overtook her and she found out there was a mass when she was xrayed for her ribs.

Nancy sold on eBay and was known as PrimsandFancy. I haven't blogged for awhile and am checking my links to the right today and found hers there. I don't have the heart to remove it. It was the link to her eBay store.

About a year ago when the economy starting going downhill, she started closing some of her retail space and asked if I would like to help her sell some of her items. She would ship number 7 boxes filled to the top with her made in China wholesale items. She was a PowerSeller on eBay and strove for perfection everyday, every moment. She emailed me at least 5 times per day, giving me information on my listings, advice, and informing me of our competition and what was selling. She knew the business inside out...

A month before she passed, her emails diminished to one every three days or so. She told me she loved me in every single one of them, something she had never done in all the years of our friendship. The pain was so intense, that she could not sit at the computer for any length of time. She gathered some items together and sent me one last box. The hardest thing after she passed was looking at the items that were next to me on the floor, waiting to be listed. I eventually gathered up the strength deep within me to pick her things up and place them in the family room, with unsold items that she refused to "give away", and had been listed since the beginning of time it seemed...

Now, I am boxing up the items and dropping them off at the local Goodwill shop. Some things I am throwing into the trash next to me, as I sort through each prim and decide if it is worthy of keeping... deciding if Nancy's items would be someone else's treasures.

I am unlisting many items on eBay and will be relisting my quilt items again soon. The items that are not handmade by me, are most likely Nancy's goods. Remember... we are not promised tomorrow. RIP Nancy. I love you, too.

Black Eyed Susans

I love Black Eyed Susans...

They are one of the last perennials to bloom in my yard.

Cicada Time in WV

The sounds of cicadas fill the woods this time of year. It is nice as we affiliate the noise they make to the lazy days of summer. Here is a very informative website all about cicadas: http://www.cicadamania.com/cicadas/

eBay Store and Sale

As most of you know, I have been selling on eBay for approximately 5 years. They have recently changed many things, including how little store exposure we receive. I spent much of the day unlisting items and reducing many that I feel are worthy of listing. I will be making more handmade items when the girls start school and listing pumpkins before that time... If you are looking for Americana signs or other decor, primitive items, fabric strips, eBay templates, dolls, handmade bowl fillers, Christmas decor, please stop in my store and purchase while it is available. The wholesale items and signs listed that are not handmade by me will not be relisted. Once the merchandise is gone, that will be it. Thank you so much for checking out my eBay store and I hope to hear from you there :)

School Starts Soon~~~

Can you believe school will be starting soon? This summer has certainly gone by quickly for us. The leaves, walnuts and hickory nuts are starting to fall. I have to be extra careful now mowing under the walnut trees. The walnuts to NOT feel good when they land on your head... We got our school supplies shopping done and it was fairly painless. We hope to get one more camping trip in before winter and then we will winterize the camper and get ready for the snow to fall :)

The Web

Before you even realize what is happening, your abuser is manipulating you, controlling you and breaking down your self esteem. Your abuser could be your husband, wife, grandparent, guardian, boyfriend, girlfriend, older sibling... anyone in your life that is hurting you could possibly be an abuser.

Charlie had many issues from childhood that were unresolved and still are unresolved. He was abused and I truly believe that if you are with someone that has been deeply hurt and or abused, they have the potential to abuse you, especially if you are a submissive or passive person. Your kindness is seen as a weakness and they will be able to zero in on what makes you tick and what they can do to break you down, continuously and gradually, without you even knowing that it is happening.

Some, as Charlie did, begin to try to remove you from what you are familiar with and from the people that love you and have been in your life for you. They want you out of your safety zone and into their own web where they can shut you off from people that may try to influence you and be there for you to possibly get you out of your relationship with them.

Charlie had the ability to make me feel on top of the world one moment and the next so low that I would cry in silence. No matter what you do, you cannot please them. You can have an immaculate home, most professional looking landscape, dinner on the table, looking like you just stepped off a magazine cover, and they will find something to pick about or dig at you for not doing right or for not doing at all. An abuser is never happy. They are never happy or appreciative of you or what you do. They only want to control you and hurt you because when they succeed in doing so, they somehow feel that they are overcoming their own pain and hurt. To see you hurt, makes them feel better and even successful within themselves.

Why do you continue to stay in your situation? Are you financially stuck because you have been a stay at home mom for your children and you have no job, no sitter, no one there for you? Do you feel that the person you are with is going to change? Do you believe them when they tell you that you are all that they have and all they ever wanted? Do they have a way of making you feel more loved than you have ever been loved, even though they continue to chip your heart away and shut you down? Do you feel that they are the only person that you can have a relationship with? Are you afraid to leave them for fear worse will happen to you? Is it possible that you can say yes to all of the above? YOU ARE NOT ALONE and this is a situation that is so much more common than you think!

People that are being abused usually do not open up and tell others what they are experiencing. You feel as though you deserve it because the person you are with manipulates your mind into thinking that you could have gone to the store to get the milk you forgot or that the dishes in the dishwasher should have been put away... however they convey to you in their own way, an abuser is able to make you feel that you deserved what you received, whether it be verbal abuse, mental abuse or physical abuse. NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE.

Do not let anyone make you feel that you are less than a person. Are you embarrassed because you are abused? Are you ashamed and afraid of how others may view YOU? Is the church you are going to telling you that divorce is the wrong thing, not biblical? God made all of us and God does not want us to suffer or be abused. He does not want us to stay in a situation that hurts us in anyway. Our God is a forgiving God and above all, God knows our heart and God sees everything, feels everything and will help those who ask for His help.

Think about yourself. Forgive yourself. LOVE yourself.

Happy Independence Day!

Martina McBride ~ Independence Day

Please copy and paste the link and insert...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYENO6r5vVo

One Foot Still In the Door

Charlie found a place to live, but asked if he could keep his things in the garage. I didn't see any harm in that, not realizing at the time that he simply wanted to keep one foot in the door, as he continued to find excuses to come over because he needed something out of the garage.

A mutual friend of his and mine, who Charlie grew up with, had just gone through a divorce himself and was trying to "help" me understand that I could not wash Charlie's clothes for him and do little things for him because he was mistaking my kindness as a weakness to continue to be in my life. I was torn about this, but later realized that this was very true.

Charlie was very cooperative. He was paying the bills and coming over to get the girls to spend time with them and seemed as though he was truly making an effort to change. He was still going to therapy and was keeping me up to date on his progress, all the while still pleading with me to give him one more chance. Seventeen years of marriage... one more chance... Would I ever regret not giving him ONE MORE CHANCE?

The paperwork came for the hearing date for the divorce. I caved. I drove to the courthouse and let them know that I would not be continuing the divorce proceeding. I allowed him to move back in and within one week, he was back to his old self again. I could not believe it. I received a call from one of my job applications, and after a very positive interview, started a new job and in the same breath, told Charlie to get back out of the house. I filed for divorce again, kicking myself for not keeping a copy of the first packet that I filled out only a few months prior.

Why was Charlie so willing to leave? Many people were told by him and think that it was out of the "goodness of his heart" that he "gave" the house to me. In reality, he received over $40,000.00 cash and his untouched retirement benefits, which I was entitled to share, all of his almost 900 hours of PTO time, half the amount of alimony that the court ordered him to pay and all of his guns, which value at well over $20,000.00 or more. I received the house... no cash... but was happy to be able to keep the house for the girls and me. Charlie knew he was guilty of abuse... guilty of years of abuse to me and the girls were old enough to share with the courts and could answer any questions they had in regards to our life with Charlie.

The Beginning of the End

Funny how people say they will change and can change when reality smacks them in the face. I personally do not believe people can change. My life experience and the lives of my very dear friends have shown me that people simply do not change. This is my personal view and if you disagree, that's okay with me.

I mustered up the strength to go down to the courthouse and get a divorce packet. The divorce packet was almost a 1/2" thick and very intimidating. I filled out the divorce packet and asked Charlie to please leave. I had been sleeping in the basement for awhile and I had no desire to allow him to touch me ever again. He cried, pleaded, begged, got on his hands and knees and told me he was sorry and he would change. He told me that he knew that he had hurt me and that he was sorry, over and over and over again... I felt nothing. I had nothing left to give. I had nothing left in my heart. I had to fill out the packet if not for myself, but for my girls.

We had the paperwork notorized and Charlie went to therapy for two or three months. He was determined to show me that he would change. I had filed for divorce and there was not a day in my life at that time, that I did not take the girls to the bus stop and come home and lie in my bed and cry for hours at a time. I had no job. I had no idea what I was going to do financially... I was so confused and lost.... felt so alone and so ashamed of my life and what I had accepted as treatment from a man that didn't deserve the time of day from me, much less two wonderful children. I had to be strong, if not for myself, for my girls. Every day, I would get into the shower and I would cry and pray. The tears of hurt and sorrow washed down the drain and my strength was renewed enough to get me through the day. God's voice, every single day was telling me, "...this too shall pass...". That was my ritual... every day for weeks...

My Second Baby Girl

As I watched my first daughter grow into such a beautiful, sweet child, it weighed heavy on my mind to decide whether or not to have another child for her to share her life with. She was extremely close to me, but as she grew older, she showed a little more interest in her father, who was happier to spend time with her when she was out of diapers and potty trained. He never changed her diapers, so rarely would take her places or do things with her unless I was nearby. Her father loved archery and for Christmas one year, I purchased her a little red bow out of the Sears catalog. With the purchase of her bow, a bond began between her and her father and she loved more than anything to see him smile at her hitting the target. We had started going to 3D shoots and enjoyed the time we shared, walking through the woods and watching everyone in awe of a little girl with a pony tail letting go of a tiny arrow and smacking a target dead on from a few feet away. She was the youngest to ever compete in the IBO World Championship held in Flatwoods, WV approximately 13 years ago.

Archery didn't last long when Charlie started to try to change her and the simple things that she was used to. He began to turn something fun into something he wanted for her and of course, for himself, which was more competition. The fun was replaced with a release and expensive bow that she had no interest in picking up. All she wanted to do was shoot her little red bow without conditions and new equipment. That was the beginning and end of archery for her...

My second daughter was born when my first child was 4. She was a quiet baby and slept all of the time. I remember asking the doctor what was wrong with her. I would find her in various places through the house sleeping... on the floor, at the bar, under her bed... He told me to feel fortunate that she slept, as many babies did not. My second daughter was extremely close to me and seemed to cling to me constantly. She was always a very sensitive little child.

I had become as much of a buffer as I could when it came to disciplining the girls. I knew too well what Charlie was capable of doing and was always on guard and on edge, watching and waiting for every moment and movement that he would make when one of the girls did something that he was not fond of. He was extremely tough on the girls and made them eat at the bar instead of the table with us because he didn't want them getting food or prints on the oak dining room table. Shoes were and had to be left at the side entrance door and he had a sign made that was professionally engraved that read, "PLEASE REMOVE YOUR SHOES. THANK YOU." This sign was placed on the kitchen entry door and when someone did not remove their shoes, I had to hear about it after they left. No eating was ever allowed in the vehicles. He had a habit of kicking their toys out of his path and then screaming about it. If he got annoyed at the girls, he would lift them up by their arms and sling them into their bedrooms.

My oldest daughter started to have coughing spells late at night. Charlie went to bed early and got up very early to go to work. I would take the girls to the basement with a snack and water and keep them down there until bedtime so they would not wake him up. My oldest daughter woke up one night and could not stop coughing. Charlie was livid. He jumped out of bed and screamed at her and yelled that HE had to get up early and could not sleep and slammed the bedroom door. I went in with her and tried to help her stop coughing. I finally decided that I was not able to do anything for her and took her to the ER. The ER doctor immediately diagnosed her with asthma. There were many trips to the ER until I figured out what worked best for her here with her nebulizer and how to control her asthma before it got to the point that she needed an ER trip. This was simply an inconvenience to Charlie and he still would get annoyed at her for coughing and more annoyed at me for not being able to quiet her.

One evening, I walked by my second daughter's room and saw her sitting on her knees on the floor with a Barbie Corvette and scotch tape. I went into her room and knelt down beside her and asked what she was doing. She told me that daddy kicked the car and broke it and she was trying to fix it. At that point, my heart exploded into tiny pieces and the realization came to me that Charlie had not only hurt me, but was hurting my children.

Time To Move

The log house had served its purpose, but the cold winters and maintenance on the logs were a bit more than I cared to continue to deal with, as did Charlie. The winters were so cold and the dusty gravel road that we lived on left a film on everything constantly. Our well had gone dry and we paid to have another drilled that only produced 4 gpm. I wanted to get rid of the house before the second well went dry and I was simply tired of the woodpeckers, bore bees, and money spent on sealant for the exterior...

The property went up for sale and $40,000.00 was profited and put into our new home. I had no regrets and was happy to get rid of the house. It seemed to have drained me emotionally, financially and physically. I had used a hand saw to cut trim for the doors and mopped plywood floors until we were able to afford the walnut flooring that we wanted. The two woodstoves to keep going was overwhelming by myself, especially when Charlie was gone to hunt the huge black bear he never got, or that record breaking white tail deer, and wood had not been carried from down over the hill closer to the house. We had electric baseboard heat, but if you have ever had it, you know that it will eat up electricity and leave you with extremely high electric bills.

I live in the house that we built after we sold the log house. My daughter and I LOVED being in the yard every spring, summer and fall, planting bushes, trees, perennials and annuals. Everything was planted for a reason and in a specific place. I edged every tree and garden and mulched every inch that was bare. Spring was my favorite time of year, as God rewarded me with the most beautiful blossoms on everything I planted. Every spring was a new beginning for my garden, a new year for me and a step further away from the past...

My First Child...

As tormented as I was about my life and what to do next, my "biological clock" was ticking away, so I was told by all of the friends around us that already had children. My logic, as much as it could be called logic, was telling me that things were pretty much as good as they were going to get and the outbursts that were bestowed upon me no longer effected me emotionally, as I had learned to let them bounce off of my heart and memory...

In April, my first baby girl was born. From that moment on, my priorities and my life changed once again. I protected her with all that I had and immediately began preparing her to become and independent little being. Still tucked down inside my heart and the back of my mind, I could not completely diminish the thought that someday Charlie would harm me again. I wanted my child to be ready if anything was to ever happen to me and be able to do things by herself.

At the age of two, she was able to sing her ABCs and speak in complete sentences. She was with me everywhere I went... in the yard, in the house, my constant shadow. She absorbed everything that I had to offer her and then some. She could dress herself and brush her teeth with ease. Sometimes her tiny clothes were on backwards and didn't match that well, but she could get dressed. She learned to brush her long beautiful hair and could pull a chair to the cabinets and counters, under my watchful eyes, to get herself a snack. By the time she went to kindergarten, she was well advanced and very bored in school. She enjoyed helping her peers reach and attain the goals she had met long ago. As she grew older, she continued her successes and habits that she learned at a very young age...

Continued tolerance...

Working full time and coming home to yard work and maintaining the house, dirt track races on the weekend and much time spent on the river banks made things tolerable for me. I had become accustomed to insults, critism and constant belittling and passed my time working in the yard and playing with our beagle. Many times I had thought about leaving, but where was I going? I settled for what I had. I held onto every positive, happy moment in my life and accepted it. In my mind, he had made a vast improvement over the previous years and I loved living in the log house on the mountain ~ my serenity as much as it could be...

The log house was gorgeous and comforting, although the winters were cold and harsh, as it seemed every crack within the log walls allowed the cold air to chill our home. The logs were D shaped and had insulation strips between them. The woodstoves we had simply could not heat the entire home. The addition had a cathedral ceiling with tongue and groove and exposed beams and the heat loved to linger there.

Seemed as though things were falling into place, as much as they could with someone who was always in pain and constantly taking it out on me... but I was strong and endured... and appreciated what God had blessed me with...